Dirty Little Secret
by Cassandra Mulder
Summary: Some feelings run too deep, their pull too strong, till they cannot be denied. SV Vaughn POV companion added.
1. Default Chapter

Title: Dirty Little Secret  
  
Author: Cassandra Mulder  
  
E-mail/Feedback: cassandra_mulder@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: PG-13 (Adult situations)  
  
Classification: Alias; Syd/Vaughn; angst  
  
Spoilers: Season 3  
  
Disclaimer: "Alias" and the characters within belong to JJ Abrams, Bad Robot Productions, and ABC. No infringement is intended. The song "Dirty Little Secret" belongs to Sarah McLachlan, and can be found on her latest album "Afterglow".  
  
Distribution: Anywhere, as long as permission is asked and granted first. Allies: Syd/Vaughn Fic, and my site Bound.  
  
Written: November 8 - 11, 2003  
  
Summary: Some feelings run too deep, their pull too strong, till they cannot be denied.  
  
A/N: This scenario had just been bouncing around in my head for a week or so, so I decided to write it. It's been a rough 'shipper year for me all the way around, so I had to do something for my sanity. lol Add to the mix a healthy hatred of one Lauren Reed, and this wasn't as hard to write as you might imagine. I don't condone adultery, but hey, I've been waiting for Syd and Vaughn to jump each other all season, and the Muse must be served. All feedback is appreciated, lovingly fawned over, and replied to. Thanks.  
  
************************************  
  
If I had the chance, love  
  
I would not hesitate  
  
To tell you all the things I never said before  
  
Don't tell me it's too late  
  
'Cause I've relied on my illusions  
  
To keep me warm at night  
  
But I denied my capacity to love  
  
I am willing to give up this fight  
  
- "Dirty Little Secret" Sarah McLachlan  
  
***********************************  
  
Sydney sat up in bed, the covers clutched to her chest against the early November chill. It only took her a moment to recall where she was, and what she was doing there.  
  
She peered around the ornate Milan hotel room, her eyes focusing in the darkness. Shifting a bit, she looked to her right at the man lying beside her. He was almost translucent in the single shaft of moonlight.  
  
That man was Michael Vaughn.  
  
Sydney carefully and quietly slipped out of the bed, and put on her robe as she made her way to the other side of the room. As she sank down into an oversized chair, she put her head in her hands and desperately tried to think.  
  
This wasn't supposed to have happened. They were on a mission, and they were supposed to be back in L.A. the following afternoon.  
  
But it *had* happened. The tension had built up until it had exploded, and even though she knew it was wrong, she had taken what she'd wanted so badly ever since she had laid eyes on him again. Her heart belonged to him, and she felt any hope of getting over him completely slip away as the night's events played through her mind.  
  
She padded to the bathroom, and flipped on the light, squinting as her eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness. Looking at herself in the mirror, her appearance was a testament to how quickly things had happened. Her hair was wild, her lips still held faint bruises, and there was brutal evidence on her neck and shoulder that she wasn't sure she'd be able to hide.  
  
They had been posing as a couple, so the one hotel room didn't seem odd to anyone there, and they both thought it would be big enough to share without getting in each other's way.  
  
They had both been wrong.  
  
Thinking back a few hours, the beginning of it seemed like a blur. They had been preparing for the next day; packing, going over the mission. Suddenly Sydney had realized she would have to have him unzip the back of her dress, so she'd put it off as long as possible.   
  
Finally, short of sleeping in the black mini, she knew she'd have to ask for assistance. Vaughn had obliged without too much hesitation, and just when she thought she would escape unscathed, his fingertips brushed the small of her back.  
  
Her sharp intake of breath seemed deafeningly loud in the silence of the room. In the next instant, Vaughn had turned her into his arms, and begun to kiss her exactly as she remembered. Exactly as she had dreamed about for the last few months.  
  
She knew the circumstances, and the consequences, but they all left her as he made swift work of removing her dress.  
  
His kisses, the feel of his skin underneath her hands was her undoing. There'd been no thought, simply feeling. Feelings she'd given up hope of ever having again.  
  
She sat on the edge of the oversized tub, contemplating a shower, as the consequences reared their ugly heads.  
  
What would they do now? How could this stay hidden from Lauren, while it slowly destroyed them both inside?  
  
Sydney didn't know the answers to any of the questions floating through her head. All she knew was she didn't know how she was going to go back out into that room and face Vaughn, or how she was going to go back to L.A. and face anybody. It would be written all over her from head to toe, and she knew her father and Weiss would figure it out, even if Lauren never did.  
  
She didn't want to have to regret having the man she loved, but the fact remained that he belonged to someone else.   
  
Vaughn was the last person to ever want to hurt anyone he cared about in any way, and that was how she knew this thing was bigger than the both of them. She knew he'd regret it all in the morning, but even knowing what she knew, she wasn't sure she could say the same.  
  
Maybe she had to accept things as they were, but it tore at her that she'd had no choice in them. Her life had been taken as surely as if she'd died, and even though she was trying to deal with being thrust back into that life, it hadn't been going as well as she led everyone to believe.  
  
For a couple of hours things had been as they should've been. As they had been before. She had let herself go, lost herself in the feelings and sensations; in Vaughn.  
  
She realized there was a long list of things that she didn't need in her life, but he wasn't on it. What he meant to her couldn't be measured, or explained, or put on a list. But she wondered now how she would last after this turn of events. What she would do when she went back to the cold, lonely emptiness of what she barely called a home.  
  
How she could work with him.  
  
How they would find a way to keep their dirty little secret.  
  
Forgetting about the shower, she went back into the room and slowly sank onto the edge of the bed. She watched the man that had once been her salvation sleeping, knowing that now he was her ultimate downfall.  
  
She had never needed anyone like she needed him. Had never *wanted* to need anyone so deeply, so completely. She was always the girl that could do it on her own, that could take care of herself. She supposed that really she still was that girl, but that everyone had a weakness. He was hers, and she supposed, judging from the night, that she was his.  
  
She reached out to caress his face, enjoying the last of the freedom she had to love him, and managed a smile as his green eyes sleepily drifted open and he turned to kiss her wrist. Her eyes fluttered shut and she sighed, wanting things that could only be phantom dreams, as she slid back down into the bed.  
  
He took her into his embrace, and she sank into his arms gratefully, needing his warmth and comfort if only for a few more precious hours. This secret would not break her, she refused to let it. It would only sustain her through the loneliness that would once again take possession of her, until maybe someday they could find each other again.  
  
Finis 


	2. It's So Easy

Title: It's So Easy  
  
Author: Cassandra Mulder  
  
E-mail/Feedback: Greatly appreciated and encouraged at cassandra_mulder@yahoo.com, or whatever review system you may currently encounter. ;)  
  
Rated: PG-13 (Adult situations)  
  
Classification: Alias; Syd/Vaughn; angst; Vaughn POV  
  
Spoilers: Season 3  
  
Disclaimer: "Alias" and the characters within are the property of JJ Abrams, Bad Robot Productions, Touchstone Pictures, and ABC. Seriously, do you think if they were mine either Syd or Lauren would have Vaughn? HA! Ahahahahahaha! Good one. Lauren would be dead, and Syd would just be a really good friend who had no attraction to Vaughn whatsoever. ;) Um... Yeah, so no infringement intended at all. I'm just borrowing the two lead lovelies to bend them to my will for a sec. I'll give them back relatively unharmed. Also, the song "It's So Easy" belongs to Sheryl Crow, I assume, and no violation is meant in its use.  
  
Written: November 13 - 19, 2003  
  
Summary: Vaughn reviews his situation, and the two women he's caught between. Companion piece to "Dirty Little Secret".  
  
Distribution: Allies: Syd/Vaughn archive, Cover Me, and my personal archive, Bound. Anywhere else as long as permission is asked and given first.  
  
A/N: Well, some might say I have just committed the ultimate in character assassination, but that was not my intention at all. While I hightly doubt Vaughn would ever cheat on his wife (or his taxes, or a review, or even a junior high test...) on the show, I have my own fic world for a reason. To me, it would be perfectly... understandable (for lack of a better word) if Syd and Vaughn just up and lost it on assignment. I ain't blind, I can see the looks, thanks. I have probably been overly fair to Lauren here, but this is Vaughn's POV, and adultery is a serious thing, with life altering consequences, and I won't make light of that. As much as I want Syd and Vaughn to be together, I know they shouldn't do it this way, but these things happen. And now that that little PSA is over, and the headers are as long as the fic... Enjoy, I hope. :)  
  
Dedication: This is to Cate, who left a very nice review on fanfiction.net and suggested another piece from Vaughn's point of view. I hadn't really considered a sequel/companion piece before, but she got the plot bunnies going, and this is the (hopefully good) result. :)  
  
*************************************  
  
It's so easy holding you near  
  
I could melt in your arms, and disappear  
  
Loving you, baby, is breaking my heart tonight  
  
'Cause it's so easy, but it isn't right  
  
- "It's So Easy" Sheryl Crow f. Don Henley  
  
*************************************  
  
Vaughn felt the mattress dip beneath him and rise again as Sydney got out of bed. He watched through heavy-lidded eyes as she walked across the room and sat in one of the large chairs, her head in her hands.  
  
He wanted nothing more than to follow and try to comfort her, but he knew he couldn't since it was probably he that had put her in this distress to start with. Just the thought pained him more than she could possibly know.  
  
He watched her till she silently made her way to the bathroom and gently shut the door behind her. Vaughn sighed. They really were in trouble now. At least, he was. Sydney wasn't married, though he was sure she was less than ecstatic at the circumstances they found themselves in.  
  
They weren't supposed to be here, falling into each other's arms. By doing so, he'd only confirmed Lauren's suspicions, betrayed her trust in him, compromised his integrity. None of which he'd set out to do when he'd set foot in this hotel room.  
  
But one touch had started a chain reaction he couldn't control, and that's where everything had fallen apart. For all of his denials and reassurances to the contrary, he still loved Sydney Bristow more than any woman in the world.  
  
Including his wife.  
  
He rolled over, rubbing his eyes as he thought about the last three hours. If he'd been aware before of how easily he would break, he was sure he'd have never touched her. Or so he wanted to believe.  
  
Vaughn didn't pride himself on being honest or trustworthy, it was simply the way he'd always been. He didn't know any other way to be, at least outside the parameters of his job. Except this wasn't his job, it was his life.  
  
The weight of what he'd done settled on him, a heaviness he knew wouldn't soon disappear. As easy as it had been to give into his desire for Sydney, the repercussions would bring about disaster.  
  
He could tell Lauren, or lie to her, and the hell of it was that neither choice would be simple. There would be no reward in honesty, as he knew what her reaction would be, and to lie would only be compounding the problem.   
  
The worst part of it all was that as much as he should've wished this night had never happened, he didn't. If he could've taken back the way he'd kissed her, the feel of her skin against his, the look in her eyes, or the way she said his name, he wouldn't. He knew he should've, but he couldn't.  
  
For the two years he'd believed she was dead, it was all he'd dreamed of. *She* was all he'd dreamed of, before Lauren, after Lauren, and every moment inbetween.   
  
His life had never been the same once Sydney was gone, and he hadn't lied to her about being so in love with her that it had almost killed him. And the thought that scared him more than anything was losing her again. He knew if things remained as they were he would lose her. Maybe not to death again anytime soon, but if they left Milan and tried to go back to the way things had been, there would eventually be someone else.  
  
He didn't know if he could deal with that. But he also couldn't ask her to wait for him to decide what he was going to do, because he didn't know himself.  
  
What he'd done wasn't fair to Lauren, and leaving her or making her live with the knowledge that she was second to Sydney wasn't either. He was stuck any way he looked at it.  
  
There was no way to justify his actions, no way he could ever make it up to his wife, and he found himself wishing, maybe more than ever, that he'd been there the night Sydney had "died". Maybe he could've found a way to prevent all of this.  
  
But maybes didn't solve his problems or the way things were. He'd simply have to take things as they came when he got back home. It wouldn't be simple, but it was the way things had to be.  
  
He heard the bathroom door open, and quietly rolled back over, feigning sleep, trying to prolong the moments till he'd have to look her in the eye. But as she sat back down on the bed, one leg tucked beneath her, facing him, she reached out to caress his face and he opened his eyes. What met him was her beautiful smile, even though he knew she had to be as worried as he was.  
  
For the moment, none of that mattered, as he slightly turned his head and kissed her wrist, watching as her eyes fluttered shut. She sighed, and he wanted so much to be able to give her what she deserved, to give her everything.  
  
As she sank back down into the bed, he took her in his arms, holding her, memorizing the feel of her, her scent, the sound of her voice so soft in the darkness. They talked about nothing and everything, but he recorded it all in his mind because he didn't know how long he would have to survive on the memory of her. Maybe for a little while, maybe forever, but he'd always have this moment to relive in the darkness to follow. A way to remember what he was living for, and what he hoped one day they would have again.  
  
Finis 


End file.
